.:smudged musings:.

Something is missing.
Part of me is gone.

I fool myself into believing I’m fine and I have moved on and yet it’s you that still
fills my every thought.  It’s you who I want and need.  The moments in the day
when I smile at the thought of you or remind myself to tell you something and
you’re not there.

It’s been a month since a word has passed between us and each of those days has
been anguish. I look at your pictures and remember those times. It’s my memories
Of us that keep me warm.

What’s missing is your hand in mine.  Your voice in my ear.  Your laughter at shared
conversations. 

I wonder, have you found your balance? Do you still think of me as often as you
once did.

I don’t know the reason for this new blog of yours. I just know that my heart
aches to see it.  To see the postings of things from the past year.  To relieve
those happy, loving moments and to see where we are now.

How do you get back the part of yourself that is missing. How do I find the peace that I need to move forward. I could sit and blame you for this. I could swear a blue streak but I have only myself to blame.   I am allowing this to get the better of me, I allowing you to still linger in my life, in my thoughts.  I am allowing you to cloud and ruin what could be good things for me.  How pathetic am I?  You haven’t given me a second thought and yet I still mourn for what we were and who we were.

He was a good man.  He made me smile and made me laugh. It was easy and yet I couldn’t let myself get close. I held him at a distances. It was the little things, those things that I put up with for two years with you that did it.  I could not and would not do it again. Little things that normally would not bother me but those little things became so big with you.  Now I want the impossible.

We are fools, you and I. Time is so very precious and yet we waste those moments apart. Life is so fragile and you never know what it will bring.  Yet, here we are apart and not even speaking at this point.

I met a woman three weeks ago, her loved one was just diagnosed with the same illness as you.  He is 10 years older.  I spoke to her briefly and have since with added thoughts and prayers. It brought back those years I thought you were gone from me.
Her loved one is barely holding on today.  She is coming to the reality that there might not be a tomorrow and yet we sit here apart.  After all that has been shared.  The love that was spoken and felt.  We are lucky enough to have one another and we are apart.

It angers me, it frustrates me.   We are both fools.  Even a little is better than nothing.

Turning of a page

Comparison

How do I kiss him when it’s not your lips I’m kissing.
It’s not your hands that touch me.
The laughter that sounds is unfamiliar and strange to me.
There is caring, there is giving, there is understanding.
more than that there is effort.  There is time made, time
spent. The comparison is there always. I try to stop myself
and can’t.  It’s unfair and I know this. Somehow, someway
the comparisons have to stop.

Was it a tease? Was it you missing me those few moments of the day and now there is nothing once more.  Silence.   You’re good at this but then you know that.  You rise me up, lead me on and dash my hopes and smiles. I really should know better by now but the heart wants what the heart wants.

I think it’s time the heart learn it doesn’t always get what it wants most.  That even our soul mates will hurt and disappoint us. Another reality check, another realization that what we had is over.    I need to follow these steps. I need to keep going, live in them and hold tight to what comes my way.  I need to remember not to let what has happened cloud my judgement.  More than that, I need to remember I am worth more than this.

“I earned that right”

I keep hearing those words you wrote.  Yes, there was a time you did earn that right but that time has passed. You made choices and in making those choices you lost certain rights. So no, those rights you earned are gone. 

I took that first step yesterday. It was hard.  It was different. My emotions are all over the place with this.  Yet, choices were made sometime ago and it’s time I find what I need. If only my heart would listen.  For my heart is still with you and a deeper part of me knows it always will be. But I need more, I need what you can no longer give me. Why could we not find our balance.  How I wish it had turned out differently.

So I will continue with these steps and I will remember to breathe.

For a moment I hoped. That hoped blossomed.
The harsh reality now dawns. I must find a way to
stop deceiving myself. I have to truly face the
realizations of what will never be again.

Ditto

Ditto

Five little letters that I hate but then what else should I have expected.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

- J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

I love you, Always

Heart and Soul